Question to Sexpert Timaree:

“I have a dilemma that seems silly even to me. I’ve been dating the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. No, she really, really is. Her personality is also really great. She’s sweet and smart and thoughtful. I’m totally smitten. I don’t know how I landed her, but we’ve been seeing each other for about 2 months since we met through friends at a party. But as much as people envy my luck at having such arm candy, it’s kind of hell. Everyone in the world is competition now. She gets hit on constantly, even right in front of me. She’s good about it and politely shoos them away. But these guys eyeball me like, “who’s THIS asshole?” It’s incredibly stressful and I feel as though at any second I might end up in a fight with one of these guys or dropped for someone more attractive. And I don’t want to seem too clingy or jealous to her, especially not this early. What am I supposed to do?”

First off, your concern is legit. For every person out there who dreams of trading up from their current partner, there’s another person getting so riled up about the possibility of their relationship falling apart that they accidently cause it to implode with jealousy, insecurity and pansy ass fretting.

BALANCING ACT

As you might have gathered from your experience, couples do best when they’re similar in their levels of attractiveness. People tend to like others who are similar to them and flock to those who have comparable levels of income, education and physical appearance- because they have a lot in common and can view each other as peers. When you see a smoking hot person walk down the street holding the hand of a total fugster, you take notice… and might assume the uggo is extremely wealthy… or ridiculously funny. There has to be some balance of assets to make the investment worthwhile.

Potential rivals for your lady see her…and then see you… and assess your threat level. If they can “get” what she sees in you, they’re less likely to bother extending the effort when rejection seems inevitable. If she appears so outrageously hot that it’s worth the gamble, they might still make a try even if you’re a total catch. Or they might make a play without even noticing that you’re present. In any event, this is going to be a problem.

ON THE UPSIDE

It’s better that she be hot anyway. Even though attractiveness equilibrium is important, physical beauty is more important to men than to women, traditionally. For this reason, heterosexual relationships with a more attractive female are significantly more successful than those with a way hotter guy. However, you might want to make sure you make good money and are always extra super nice to her cause you got to bring something to the table.

TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT

Yeah, I know. It’s an honor for the first thirty times someone informs you that your girl is mad fine but grows increasingly arduous thereafter. But she sees something in you and that should be acknowledged and valued. By downplaying your own hotness, you’re devaluing her taste and that’s more disrespectful to her than it is modest for you.

Find out what she likes about you and play it up. Even if you’re not confident, act like it. Chicks dig it.

TRADE DOWN

None of this sounds do-able? You’re just convinced that this whole thing will collapse under the weight of your anxiety? Not feeling like enduring the endless barrage of ego dings that is dating a vixen? Cut your losses and look for someone who’s more your speed. Whether it be Sean Kingston crying out about beautiful girls leading you to suicide or Jimmy Soul warning you never to make a pretty woman your wife, there are plenty of reasons to seek out a safe bet in your next partner.

GET HOTTER

Worried you’re not hot enough? Fine. Stop being a whiny baby and do something about it. Quit your excuses and hit the goddamn gym. Take pride in your appearance, get advice from a trusted stylish friend on what you can do to spiff up a bit, and not only will you look better, but you’ll feel it. If there was ever a motivator, she might as well be it. Good luck!

Questions? Comments? Violent reactions? Email Timaree at sexwithtimaree@gmail.com For more, check out http://sexwithtimaree.com

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Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email Timaree at sexwithtimaree@gmail.com See more at SexwithTimaree.com

Question to the Sexpert:

“Is there an update to the rule of how many dates you should go on before having sex with someone? I don’t just ask to be funny- it’s really easy to mess up and hook up too quickly or to waste a ton of time. Is there a magic number that will keep you safely between a short-term hookup and the friend zone?”

Legit question, beloved reader. And another excellent opportunity for a flowchart.

Dates are specific units of time and attention that have dramatically increased in value over the years as people have become busier and spread more thinly. To actually get picked up, go to dinner and some other event is an increasing rarity for even the most prolific of daters. Unless of course, you met online, in which case you’re probably trying desperately to follow prescribed patterns of dating so as to make the whole “we met online” thing less awkward.

So when you refer to dates as in “how many ought to have happened before we can, like, totally bang?” you are probably talking about number of nights on which you hung out together for a few hours. And while styles and social mores may change, the rules are generally the same:

1. Getting friendzoned is really a matter of fate. You don’t put yourself there by waiting too long, no matter how many people like to think that. If she thinks you’re sexy and she wants your motion in her ocean, she’ll want it on the 22^nd date as much as she wants it on the 2^nd. If there is sex that you would get on date 3 that you wouldn’t get on date 13, then it’s just very temporary sex anyway.

2. No judgment against hooking up with complete strangers, it has its own purpose. And, yes, there are serious, long-term relationships (LTR) that started from blind, nearly anonymous fucking. But if you’re actively looking for a LTR or marriage, make it easier on yourself by waiting longer than you want to.

3. Your use of sexuality communicates a lot to other people but most of it is based on assumptions and their past experiences. You might think you’re saying “I respect you, so I’m not going to make a move,” but he might read it as “I’m not into you, but I like free dinners and don’t have anything else going on tonight.” You might mean, “I’m so super into you that I’m going to act out of character and make love right away,” she might read it as “I’m a playa and this is what I do.” Don’t assume; talk.

4. Identify what you want and make it known. Know it for yourself so you can plan your actions accordingly and keep the other person in the loop so you don’t end up with hurt feelings on either side. If you just want to hook up, make your intentions clear from the get go. If this person means a lot to you, grow a pair and say so.

5. Always always always have the safety conversation ahead of time. And I don’t mean right before something goes into an orifice. I mean when you’re fully clothed, talking sincerely, without any pressure. Be brave enough to bring it up and be fully honest about your last sexual health exam and current STI status as well as measures to prevent pregnancy. C’mon, you’re a grown up. You can do it.

And, as promised: here’s a handy flowchart. Click twice to embiggen.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com Check out more at http://SexwithTimaree.com

What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on a single date? Leave stories in the comments section!(polling)
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Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com See more at SexwithTimaree.com