Today’s photos of the day show the dramatic weight loss of Star Jones. In an upcoming issue of Glamour magazine, Star publicly “reveals” that she used medical intervention (gastric bypass surgery) in order to drop more than 180 pounds. This should have been on the cover of “No Shit!” magazine.

Today’s video of the day comes from Fox and Friends, where I debated the use of civil injunctions against gangs.

Recently, Fort Worth and San Francisco joined the growing list of cities that have filed lawsuits against gang members. Specifically, officials have requested court injunctions that prevent suspected gang members from hanging out together, carrying spray paint, or even speaking to people in passing cars within particular public spaces. In addition, these injunctions provide police with the legal right to stop, question, and search suspected gang members.

Once again, we have allowed our fear of youth to undermine our duty to protect civil liberties, expand social justice, and engage in legitimate social transformation.

Even if we could agree that it’s fair to target gangs, there are no fair mechanisms for accurately determining gang membership. Law enforcement authorities are not required to obtain approval from a judge or magistrate before placing someone in the gang database. In fact, a person can be officially labeled a gang member without being convicted or even arrested. Furthermore, given the secret nature of gang surveillance, there is no way correct the deliberate or unintentional misplacement of innocent people on the gang lists. An excellent example of this came in 2001, when David Englebrecht, a 26-year-old father of three was labeled an Oceanside gang member and included in the city’s anti-gang injunction. As a result, Englebrecht was prohibited from “making loud noises, whistling, wearing certain clothing, using certain words or hand gestures or being seen in public with other alleged gang members within an approximately one-square- mile area of Oceanside.” Although Englebrecht was able to successfully contest his inclusion on the list, there is no public means by which to determine who else is being repressed by such draconian policies.

By using civil procedures to expand the range of law enforcement resources, local governments are able to sidestep basic constitutional protections and criminalize otherwise legal behavior. Rather than forcing the police and prosecutors to meet rigorous burdens of proof, gang injunctions give police carte blanche to intensify its war against Black and Latino youth with no regard for rule of law.

Like most of the United States’ “wars,” such as the ones against drugs and terror, local and federal governments have used the war on gangs to manipulate legitimate fears about crime and violence and translate them into repressive public policy against our most vulnerable citizens. Rather than attacking structural issues, such as the lack of intervention programs, acceptable employment, or responsible policing, the current trend toward suing gangs places the full burden of social reform on our youth.

Question to the Sexpert:

“I’m a 30 year old married straight man who has been cross-dressing for nearly 15 years. I find it incredibly hot and a great way to wind down after a long day. I don’t want to become a woman and I’m not gay, despite what Jerry Springer seems to be teaching people. My dressing up doesn’t bother me at all; I’m not looking for help to stop. But I feel really awful hiding this from my wife. She’s my best friend and in the eleven years I’ve known her there was never a good time to say “by the way…” I’m so sick of keeping this secret! It tears me apart. I don’t think she knows anything about it and I have no idea how she would react. How do I tell her without her freaking out?”

What do you mean there was no good time to tell her? Come on, you mean you two were never stuck in a god awful traffic jam in the middle of the summer when the AC wasn’t working and thinking to yourself, “hey, now’s as good a time to jeopardize my marriage as any!”

All right. So now, after keeping a beloved behavior and portion of your personal identity a complete secret for nearly half of your entire life you’ve decided randomly to spill the beans. Usually when men go to a counselor with this question there is something that precipitates it: some incident, upset or breaking point. Knowing that will affect the manner in which you proceed from here.

Questions you need to answer before bringing her into this:
-Why do you want to tell her now? What do you hope to accomplish? Is the goal to get it off your chest, regardless of her reaction or are you seeking her acceptance and/or approval?

-How do you want things to change as a result of this disclosure? Do you want things to stay the same sans secretiveness or do you want to include her in your cross dressing as well?

- Are you both willing and able to go to couples counseling for as long as necessary to make things work if she reacts negatively? If she can’t deal with the reality, are you willing to give up this relationship?

Is it likely she’ll spaz out?
There are an endless number of ways she could react. And as much as you’d like to think you’re frickin James Bond about keeping it quiet, she may already have some idea. And considering that she’s your best friend and you’ve known each other more than a third of your life, this could be as cake as “Oh, that’s all? Shit, I thought you were going to tell me you had a girl on the side or something. Yeah, that’s fine. Just don’t wear my Agent Provocateur- that stuff isn’t cheap.”

Some possible reactions:
-How far will this go? Are you going to want to sleep with men or become a woman?
-What else haven’t you told me?
-That’s kind of kinky…. I like it.
-Are people going to think/Does this mean I’m a lesbian?
-Oh. Well, that explains a lot.
-How much money have you spent on this?
-Did I cause this? Is there something inadequate about me?
-This isn’t funny. Cut it out.
-We’re going to have to talk to someone about getting you help.
-Why didn’t you tell me? Don’t you trust me?
-Well, I can accept it but I don’t want to see it or talk about it.
-Can I see your clothes? Are they cute? Is there anything I can fit into?
-We’re going straight to the Pastor/Father/Rabbi/Imam/etc!
-a whole variety platter of reactions: denial, anger, intrigue, demanding you stop, etc

Ways to reduce the likelihood of a freak out:
-Highlight the positives and clarify the things that aren’t going to change. In your case make it clear you’re straight, want to be a male and are very much in love with and attracted to her and don’t need her to do anything differently.
-Provide as much information as you think she can handle. You know this woman. Is she the type who’d like a verbal spillfest or who would prefer to have the truth doled out in snippets so she can get acclimated? Some people like to jump right into the deep end, others are more than happy inching in slowly over time and those folks really don’t find it funny to get shoved in and splashed.
-Let her have her reaction. She has every right to respond in whatever way she feels. Just because you’ve had 15 years to mull over the concept of transvestitism doesn’t mean she was having the same evolution via osmosis. Even if she throws a total fit today doesn’t mean she won’t calm down and realize it’s not as bothersome as she originally thought.
-Give her someplace to take this new info. Allow her to speak about her feelings to a trusted friend or counselor. Bring up the possibility of seeing a couples’ counselor who can help navigate through the negotiation process.

There is a very real possibility she’ll be fine with it, find it totally acceptable or even sexy too. But be prepared that she won’t. You can’t control her reaction but you can control your level of patience in letting her take it all in and adapt. In the event she’s displeased initially, the number one predictor of whether or not your relationship will survive this revelation and the integration of your cross dressing into your lives is whether or not she is willing to continually attend counseling. Find a professional AASECT certified therapist in your area and go to a few sessions. It can make all the difference in the world.

Buena suerte!

Timaree Schmit is a trained sexologist who has also worked as an HIV prevention counselor and sex educator. She has written widely for numerous publications and was recently recognized by Coed Magazine as one of the 10 Most Famous College Sex Columnists in America. Timaree is completing a doctorate in Human Sexuality at Widener University.

Do you have a question or comment? Please email Timaree directly at sexpert@MarcLamontHill.com