Nation’s Blacks Creeped Out By All The People Smiling At Them

A majority of African-Americans surveyed in a nationwide poll this week reported feeling “deeply disturbed” and “more than a little weirded out” by all the white people now smiling at them.

First witnessed shortly after President Obama’s historic victory, the open and cheerful smiling has only continued in recent months, leaving members of the black community completely unnerved.

“On behalf of black people across this nation, I would like to say to our white brethren, ‘Please stop looking at us like that,’” said Brown University psychology professor Dr. Stanley Carsons. “We’re excited Barack is president, too, and we’re glad you’re happy for us. But giving us the thumbs up for no reason, or saying hello whenever we walk by, is really starting to freak us out.”

Added Carsons, “We just want to be able to stand in line at Home Depot without getting patted on the back.”

According to the poll, more than 92 percent of African-Americans have noticed a dramatic increase in the number of beaming Caucasians in their vicinity, as well as a marked rise in the instances of white people making direct eye contact with them on the bus, engaging them in pleasant conversation, and warmly gazing in their general direction with a mix of wonder, pride, and profound contentment. All respondents reported being “petrified” by the change.

“Yesterday, I’m pretty sure the cashier at the Giant Eagle winked at me,” said Eddie Wilkes, a Pittsburgh resident who described himself as “not a politics person.” “Then she said something about what a happy day it was and tried to bump fists. The whole thing gave me the willies.”

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Today’s video of the day comes from Letterman, where Joaquin Phoenix gave one of the oddest appearances to date. Thoughts?

Earlier this week, reports revealed that Alex Rodriguez was one of 104 Major League Baseball players who tested positive for banned substances in 2003. A few days later, A-Rod performed the now-obligatory perp walk, offering 60 minutes of heavily scripted mea culpas to ESPN’s Peter Gammons and the American people. In doing so, Rodriguez not only destroyed his mythic image as baseball’s last “clean” superstar, but he further sullied the reputation of modern baseball.

I couldn’t be happier.

Ever since Barry Bonds surpassed Hank Aaron as the all-time homerun king, Rodriguez was marked by baseball executives (and many fans) as a savior. If only Rodriguez could wrest the most coveted record in sports from the steroid-abusing Bonds, they secretly calculated, the purity of the record books would be restored and the steroid era would finally be excised from our collective memory. With A-Rod finally exposed as a fraud, Major League Baseball must now do what it has demanded from its players: come clean.

With the outing of Alex Rodriguez, the baseball community has forfeited any lingering claims to innocence. No longer can it pretend that the steroid era was the product of a small cadre of unscrupulous trainers and mediocre players. No longer can superstars like Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, and Roger Clemens be viewed as evil outliers within an otherwise honorable community. No longer can perjurers like Barry Bonds be arbitrarily plucked from an entire league of liars and forced to die for the sins of everyone. Instead, baseball must publicly acknowledge that it created a monster that it could no longer control.

For more than a decade, league officials at every level ignored the clear signs that steroid abuse was rampant. As fans began returning to ballparks and television screens in 1998 to see the game’s sacred records get trounced, commissioner Bud Selig willfully ignored the loud whispers coming from the media and medical community. Individual teams began putting “special trainers”  (read: dope pushers) on their teams. Clean players adhered to a “no snitching” policy that operated against their own competitive interests.  Even we fans, desperate to see history made in our own time, chose not to ask how nearly middle aged men were transforming into record-bashing musclemen in the twilight of their careers. Now, rather than continuing the ridiculous ritual of selective revelation and feigned indignation, let’s just admit that everyone screwed up. Everyone.  Then, and only then, can we truly move on.

Michelle Obama To Be On ‘Vogue’ Cover

The March issue of the fashion magazine Vogue will feature first lady Michelle Obama. What do you think?

Casey Dinkelmann,
General Manager
“It’s about time Vogue put a woman on the cover.”

Brad Robilotta,
Dental Sales Representative
“I’m going to buy it, but I’m not going to say why out of respect for the office of the presidency.”

Lennon Martinson,
Cost Estimator
“Guess who’s going to be on the cover of Logue? California assemblyman Dan Logue!”