Need I say more?

Today’s video of the day comes from the SXSW shows, where Kanye, Common, and Erykah Badu ripped a freestyle. Hotness!

Question to the Sexpert:

“I was in a light bulb relationship (on and off) for four years. For the first two years he drank a lot- hence the yo-yo. He would disappear from my life for months at a time then all of a sudden, drop out of the sky. I know this is unhealthy but love makes us do stupid things so I hung in there. Eventually he quit drinking for good and wanted to concentrate on being sober, which I understood. So again, allowed myself to hang in there.  About once a week I saw him and we occasionally had sex. We went to dinner and movies, we had long night pillow talk and shared intimate things. We confided in one another. It felt like a relationship. But it wasn’t.

We had a fight last June, after he really let me down for something I was depending on and we haven’t spoken since. Last night, I logged onto MySpace and noticed he deleted me…. And he is married, with a baby on the way. This was the guy who told me for four years that he didn’t ever want to get married or have children. It was the ‘furthest thing’ from his mind. All I could think about was ‘what was so wrong with me?’ So I guess my question is why do guys do this?? How can they go from one person to another so quickly??”

First, my condolences on having your heart bandied about for a duration of the average undergraduate degree only to find out it’s been left in the dust through a douchetastic online social networking site filled with spambots and creepy guys trawling for teenage poontang. Second, kudos on introducing me to the clever term “light bulb relationship,” because that is going right in the Book O Terms to Use.

There are a few different ways to look at this situation, depending on what lesson you’d genuinely like to learn the most. Your question is about why guys use women, drop them and move on quickly, but I suspect your real inquiry is why you got hurt so badly and how to prevent it from happening again.

ROSE COLORED GLASSES

Here’s the answer where you get to keep your ego entirely intact but you may be missing the opportunity for some learning: Perhaps after your big fight last June he was so heartbroken that he hooked up with some chick looking for solace and, in the course of things, accidentally knocked her up. They decided to legitimize the little rugrat-to-be and tied the knot.

IT NEEDS TO BE BOTH THE RIGHT PERSON *AND* RIGHT TIME

A wise friend once pointed out to me that you can do your utmost to find the right person and BE the right person but if the timing is off, it’s still wrong. This man was dealing with a serious substance abuse problem and as far as dating goes, that’s as bad as being in love with someone who’s married, if not worse. He likely felt very strongly for you. Four years, even lightbulbin’ (check it out- I made it into a verb), is a long ass time. But his drinking, and the subsequent end of it, meant that your relationship was only meant to be practice for future ones you’d both have. The time you spent together is still intimate and real, it’s just now in the past tense.

ADVICE FROM THAT JADED, CYNICAL FRIEND WHO WON’T STOP CHAIN SMOKING

On the harshest end of the spectrum is the cold, hard reaction to this story. What you did for him was huge: supporting him through a tough time and being available whenever he wanted, giving your attention and your heart and waiting patiently for him to reciprocate.

It’s a common girl mistake: waiting around for a jerkoff to grow up and stop acting like the 8 year old with a checking account that you’re enabling him to be, giving him no real reason to stop acting like an asstastic tool since you’ll uncomplainingly wait for him. You hope that sheer love of you will be enough to make him grow a pair when the reality is that he’s a parasite with a drinking problem who managed to snag your affections despite not deserving them one bit.

Now that he is clean, he has discarded you as a remnant of his inglorious past and decided to move on with his life in the direction that you always wanted him to… albeit sans you. It doesn’t matter why or how, because it had nothing to do with you and it fucking hurts no matter what.

It blows. It aches. It stings like the kind of pain that would otherwise only be possible from an unfortunate naked cooking/hot grease combo.

But it’s survivable.

And it will likely make you warier about giving your heart out again. But it will also make finding the right guy feel that much better. Having been to the nadirs of emotion makes attaining the highs all that much more appreciable.

WHAT TO DO

Be good to yourself, treat yourself as kindly as you’d treat a friend who’d been hurt in this way. And next time, don’t settle for less than a real relationship if that’s what you’re looking for. Insist upon getting what you want. If they don’t like it, they can scram. You’re a wonderful, kind, loving girl who’s clever enough to come up with a term like “light bulb relationship,” you can definitely find someone better.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email sexwithtimaree@gmail.com

Sexpert Timaree Schmit is currently finishing her doctorate in Human Sexuality, the culmination of a lifetime of prurient interests. She has worked as a sex educator writing for both academic and popular media for over seven years, and as an HIV Prevention Counselor, peer sexuality educator and adjunct professor. She was the founding Chair of the Human Sexuality Education Student Organization (HSEDSO) and is an active member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and the Society for Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS). You can see more of her work at SexWithTimaree.com

Defense Department To Phase Out Stop-Loss Program

Defense Department officials said that, rather than requiring troops to stay on after their term of enlistment expires, they will begin offering them cash incentives to voluntarily continue their service. What do you think?

Paul Shannon,
Systems Analyst
“Between closing Guantánamo Bay and ending stop-loss, this could seriously hurt the U.S. military’s ability to scare American kids into college.”

Jennifer Moss,
Police Officer
“And when has anyone ever done anything they didn’t want to do just for money?”

Michael Cruz,
Cartographer
“See, that is just like the Pentagon. Thoughtful, considerate, gracious. Class act.”

Today’s photo of the day shows Michael Jackson, who is reportedly looking to adopt another child. Since y’all are funnier than I could ever be, let’s come up with “Top Ten Reasons Why Michael Jackson Wants To Adopt a Child”