Question to the Sexpert:

“This isn’t a sex question per say, but you seem to know about social etiquette and gender. I’m a cute girl- not Adriana Lima or anything, but totally inoffensive to all senses- surrounded by nerd boys. I went into a branch of science where there are rarely other females so most of my colleagues are dorky but nice guys who appear to be terrified at the possibility of interacting with me.  They have created an inner circle of guys who all talk to each other and hang out in a friendly way and I’d like to be involved since we’re all in this together and I’m still somewhat new to town. They don’t seem to want to approach me. I can only guess it’s because they’re scared of girls (only two of them have had girlfriends in the last 5 years). I don’t want to freak them out by being too friendly or give them the impression I’m hitting on them. What is the best way to handle this awkwardness?”

Dealing socially with nerdlinger boys can be tricky, no doubt, even/especially when you’re accustomed to the social interactions that come with being a cute young female.

It’s a rare and beautiful bird who is known to be both a total nerd and a complete slut (outside of the arts). Fellow grad students in Human Sexuality, I’m looking at you.

What defines your coworkers’ geekiness is that they have placed their area of study above partaking in the fracas of the social scene. This may be because they don’t want to be part of the game… but more likely because it’s hard for them. Early experiences with people may have been rejection-filled or so terrifying of a prospect that they never happened. So you’re dealing with guys who possibly have neither the inclination nor the ability to approach you, say “hi” and see if you want to join them for a cup Caffe Americain Psycho.

But as much as you may not want to play Social Skills Coach to these dudes who have shown no interest in your inclusion, it’s in your best interest.  This is not just important networking but the most basic level requirements for an enjoyable workplace. No one wants to dread work, and having no friends at your job is a real quick way to get to hating it.

JUST TALK WORK

If you approach these guys directly with work-related topics, avoiding the pitfall of looking like you’re helpless, they will have to respond. Clearly this mysterious branch of science interests you so you should have plenty to discuss. Just take the required initiative and approach them when they are somewhere between one task and another. This way they know they can flee at any moment to go back to work but are not going to have to stop in the middle of anything to chat.

INVITE THEM IN GROUPS

You don’t get invited to the party? Start your own damn party. You may have to play hostess, even if it’s at a bar. When you see multiple coworkers assembled together talking, bring up an invitation that includes the following: an activity that interests them, indication there will be minimal other people present and a convenient time/location so there are no easy excuses for skipping out. There may be a few instances of them bailing on you. If this happens, re-evaluate how much you care about being friends with these particular coworkers.

FINE, USE YOUR SEXUALITY

I make this the last option because it means playing into sexism and allowing yourself to be objectified simply so that you will be treated humanely. But, if these nerdlingers are really that starved for female attention and you really are that cute, you can have them under your command like a flock of imprinted geese with an embarrassing knowledge of role-playing games and a hopelessly outmoded fashion sense.

You might well give them the impression they have a chance with you and this could turn into a stalkerific nightmare, so tread carefully. Be friendly, use your female social powers of putting people at ease and make them feel important.

It might seem like the onus is on you entirely: that you have to make the first move and go out of your way to save them from getting the wrong idea. At some point, though, it’s up to them to grow a pair and act human.

Questions? Comments? Violent Reactions? Email Timaree at sexwithtimaree@gmail.com See more at SexwithTimaree.com