Sex with Timaree

May 11, 2009 by Timaree

timaree

Question to the Sexpert:

“I’m not sure what I want to ask you, if it’s for permission or approval or something else entirely. I dated this guy, whom I’ll call “Mike,” for about four years and we broke up after a really bad fight about a year ago. He’s sort of re-entered my life now, much to my friends’ irritation. But the thing is, I don’t want to date him again, I want to date his friend “Aaron” whom I always thought was hot. I got drunk last week and had sex with Aaron and now I feel really conflicted. Is it always bad news to hook up with an ex’s friend?”

Since you already went and did the banging of the ex’s friend, I’d venture you came here looking for my approval more than anything else. And if it’s my endorsement you seek, then you have it. You have my unabashed permission to hit it with your ex’s friend, HIS friend, his friend’s friend, his cousin, his late aunt and all the kids in your 3rd grade class picture.

This is because Sex with Timaree is a place of non-judgment, honest communication, love, affection, and occasionally: enjoyable but regrettable decisions. It’s not that I don’t care about what happens to you or have no moral compass that delineates right from wrong in the realm of sexual behavior. Quite the opposite, in fact. The fact is: when it comes to whom you are allowed to date, love, hate, fuck, hate fuck, have dinner with, toss a sheep at, accompany to prom, marry, (or anything else), as long as things are safe, sane and consensual, it’s none of anyone’s business.

If you like this boy and he likes you and you’re both single and being honest with one another and making attempts to be respectful of the feelings of your ex who happens to be his friend, then knock yourselves out.

That said, there are a couple ways to look at the issue, and you’re free to pick and choose as you find relevant.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER

It makes sense you’d like this Aaron character. He probably has a number of traits you liked in Mike and holds the appeal of both familiarity and a novel opportunity with someone new. You say you always liked him and may have wondered for a long time if you weren’t dating the wrong friend. Now’s a perfect chance to find out, and maybe gain something magnificent from the ashes and rubble of your relationship with Mike.

SKIP THE DRAMA

Your coupledom with Boy 1 ended terribly and although some serious time has passed, the bad feelings may not be extinguished entirely. Keeping it in the friend circle, even if you really like Boy 2, is asking for drama, trust issues and the potential to ruin their relationship as buddies. There are other fish in the sea, look for them.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Again, whatever you choose to do, you’ve got my blessing. I support your decision but expect you to accept the consequences. Have fun, be careful and if this doesn’t work out, maybe look a little further outside the circle next time for dating options.

Questions? Comments? Violent reactions? Email sexwithtimaree.com

Sexpert Timaree Schmit is currently finishing her doctorate in Human Sexuality, the culmination of a lifetime of prurient interests. She has worked as a sex educator writing for both academic and popular media for over seven years, and as an HIV Prevention Counselor, peer sexuality educator and adjunct professor. She was the founding Chair of the Human Sexuality Education Student Organization (HSEDSO) and is an active member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and the Society for Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS). You can see more of her work at SexWithTimaree.com

Categories: Sex With Timaree
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11 Comments

1. DCI74 wrote:

“The fact is: when it comes to whom you are allowed to date, love, hate, fuck, hate fuck, have dinner with, toss a sheep at, accompany to prom, marry, (or anything else), as long as things are safe, sane and consensual, it’s none of anyone’s business. ”

And that is why you are awesome to me timaree, preach! Personally I’ve never diddled with a friend or relative of an ex but I’ve in cases I’ve definitely thought about it and in other cases I came real close.

May 11, 2009 @ 11:52 am

2. Blaxx wrote:

I can’t ride with this one. There are rules that cannot be broken and lines that cannot be crossed. I was in the middle of a situation like this recently and everyone involved understood the boundaries. I was attracted to a female friend of mine, but she was attracted to my best friend. She told him about her feelings and the first thing he said was “You gotta talk to Blaxx and see what he thinks about it”. We weren’t even dating but my boy understood how its going down, that’s Man Law right there.

May 11, 2009 @ 12:53 pm

3. ~JJG~ wrote:

Dating an ex’s friend would be too much drama for me, although I have been attracted to a few of my ex’s friends. I know I would feel some type of way if a friend were to date any of my ex boyfriends/semi-boos (lol). It would definitely compromise our friendship. If you have to ask your friend’s “permission/approval” to date his/her ex, then that should serve as a clue that one’s actions may be inappropriate.

May 11, 2009 @ 12:55 pm

4. Deacon wrote:

If the friend of the ex is willing to go there then everything is fair game, not saying it’s right or wrong it is what it is. Everyone involved is able to make adult decisions.

May 11, 2009 @ 2:15 pm

5. logic wrote:

If you gotta ask, then you know it’s suspect. Both of them are foul for it. Like Blaxx said “it’s man law”.

May 11, 2009 @ 2:36 pm

6. DCI74 wrote:

I hear you Blaxx but at least for me there are no standard “man laws.”

May 11, 2009 @ 3:25 pm

7. Ebonita wrote:

This reminds me of that “smashed the homies” ep of for the Love of Ray J. (Yes, I admit to watching FtLoRJ. Sue me).
While I understand Blaxx and logic’s perspective, ultimately it is up to those two individuals to decide. And while it’s great that Blaxx and his friends have that understanding, there certainly is no universal law that makes this automatically unacceptable. I think I would prefer if a friend of mine asked before trying to get with someone I was once involved with, especially if he was someone I was serious about. But at the end of the day they are two adults and I can’t do anything about what they decide to do together.
Luckily my friends and I don’t have even remotely similar taste.

May 11, 2009 @ 3:35 pm

8. Mrs. Rivers wrote:

lol @ Ebonita. You are not the only one who watched Ray J. ‘Smashed The Homies” was the first thought that came to my mind when I read this!

May 11, 2009 @ 3:42 pm

9. ms. chong aka wyltk? wrote:

i don’t think i’d be able to handle it if an ex were to date one of my friends….i’d probably want to cut the bitch or something. like what do you do in that kind of situation, go out and get ice cream together? AWKWARD..

like especially if you and that person had a sexual relationship…like how could i watch them kiss and stuff?…my only thought would be “do you know where his mouth have been? girl you’re bold.” man i don’t think i could do it…hell naw…

May 11, 2009 @ 4:28 pm

10. Logic wrote:

“While I understand Blaxx and logic’s perspective, ultimately it is up to those two individuals to decide”

I agree 100% but I think if you are really friends with someone, and you know that it can possibly be an issue if you sleep with his/her ex, then the least you could do is ask your friend for their “permission” first. After all, don’t you think that your friendship is worth more than some ass?

May 11, 2009 @ 8:55 pm

11. marland wrote:

@Ebonita and Mrs. Rivers – lmao – who’d have known that Dr. Hill’s community had a whole subculture of us whose guilty pleasure is…well…you know.

I did the same thing, the instant I read the question, starting singing the song, bobbing my head. (Sigh)…. good times….good times. I should Google Tom Green.

What was the question again?

May 12, 2009 @ 2:13 am

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